Parenting: Performance Mentality (Is it Compatible with Christ)?

 

I want to explore the Performance Mentality when it comes to child-rearing.  (It’s applicable in matters of faith, too, in the way that everything tends to be rather inter-connected, life only being categorized with terms and charts when it is pulled out of the 3-D context and stretched, kicking and screaming, onto a piece of paper or screen).  I’ve been mulling over the Performance Mentality embedded in popular Christian parenting paradigms, contrasting it with what was taught by Christ.  It’s interesting, to say the least.

Performance Mentality: 

Do these things right, and receive my approval and/or rewards. 

Do these things wrong, and receive my disapproval and/or punishment.

Performance is the name of the game in so many areas of life, often with good reason: if I want a winning basketball team, I’m going to pick the players who perform the best.  You can pick the rejects, if you’re a bleeding heart…and we’ll come kick your butt, next game!  HA!  

The question is, is the Godward life something that belongs in the Performance category?  Is a relationship with a child (or spouse) something that belongs in the Performance catagory?  While we would all agree that there are certain behaviours that are acceptable and others that aren’t (ie, if you try to murder me, that will probably affect the quality of our relationship), is how you Perform the most important aspect of our relationship, the one upon which my love and respect for you pivots?  Is the way I treat my child supposed to be dependant upon their Performance?  Is it “earn or burn,” baby?  

Who wants to be around a person who says, “If you Perform, I will treat you nicely.  If you do not Perform, I will shame or punish you until you Peform properly.”        

When it comes to Yahweh, can I Perform my way to heaven?  Do lists of measurable things make me righteous or unrighteous (in His eyes or yours)?  This is not to say that one can find half-decent indicators in lists of measurable things, but rather asking whether or not obedience to said lists equals righteousness.  Most of us would quickly say, “Heck no.  We lean on the grace of God for our acceptance—we find our righteousness in Christ!”  That’s probably a good thing to say, considering it resonates with,

 ”That no flesh should glory in His presence.  But of Him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.”  —I Cor. 1:29-31 KJV

Or, another way to put it is, 

“…None of you can get by with blowing  your own horn before God.  Everything we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ.  That’s why we have the saying, ’If you’re you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.”  —1 Corinthians 1:29-31 Message Bible  

Seems like many of us understand this grace thing when it comes to salvation, but we flunk out a lot when it comes to living and loving.  I comprehend that by grace, I will be seen as righteous when I stand before the Throne, but I often struggle to comprehend that by grace, I am learning to walk in righeousness now, and that I am seen as righteous in Him, now. 

Hyperventilating about avoiding sin isn’t walking in grace.  Being extremely aware of the opinions of others and working to have them approve of us isn’t walking in grace.  Measuring others by outward standards and using skirt length, church attendance or theological preferences to determine righteousness isn’t walking in grace. 

I could quickly blurt out memorized verses like, “Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to His mercy, He saved us, ” and really mean to believe it, but then go turn around and work, work, work to try and keep God (and/or our church family) smiling at me. 

And I think that parenting is a major area that some of us miss grace, helped (if not completely, than in part) by a lot of the popular Christian parenting books in conservative Christian circles.  Many talk about believing that we all need Christ, rejoicing in the Suffering Servant of Isaiah 53 who took on our sufferings and our shame, but then shelf all of that when it comes to parenting our kids. 

While we sing about a God who came and bent down low to save us by suffering and dying for us, for the rest of the week we believe the parenting books, which are prone to wax eloquent on how children need to learn to pay the price for their misdeeds, that through punishment comes right living and spiritual awareness. 

In raising our children, is the name of the game Performance?  Not only is that troublesome when we apply it to our theology, but also it means that some kids get a really sucky deal.

Meet my second child, Anna.  She is a natural sweetheart, born to hug and cuddle.  She excels in academics (started reading at 3, on her own), shares bright comments and thoughtful musings, nurtures those around her and consistently thinks of the needs and feelings of others.  Seriously, Anna is just sweet.  

My fourth kid, Israel, lives to dominate (anything and anyone) and can’t stand being with age-mates because, “Don’t they know I’m better than them, Mom?  I should be with the big kids!”  I picked this picture especially because he has the look on his face.  Trust me, the genius-ticker between his eyeballs is thinking something, and it’s off the wall, whatever it is!  Israel struggles to realize anyone exists but him and can’t understand why things on the planet don’t work just the way he wants them to. 

Last time he was showing off his muscles (a frequent occasion), I raised my eyebrows and bragged, “Man, those are big!”  He shrugged and replied, a little sadly, “Yeah, but I’m not the biggest.”  I asked him who was, thinking he’d say his Daddy, whereupon he matter of factly said, “Well, God, of course, Mom!  But I’m next.” 

Israel’s the kind of kid that people write “How to Survive Your Strong-Willed Child” books about.  If it’s about Performance, then let’s face it: Anna was born the perfect kid and Israel was born to be a reject. 

Either that, or I need to step on Israel until he learns to have Anna’s personality instead of his own.  Some authors say that’s exactly what needs to happen, that I need to be firm with Israel, that we’re in a “spiritual battle” and that I need to “win.”  They say I need to consistantly demand that he do things my way, spank him until his cry changes and his will breaks, spank him every time he doesn’t obey my will instantly, and that I need to not let up until Israel stops acting and thinking and being the way he is.  Because under the Performance Mentality, Israel doesn’t just do “bad things,” but his personality itself is wrong.       

Jesus doesn’t believe that.

Jesus is the one who made Israel so strong. And, as Israel’s primary shepherd, my job isn’t to “break him,” but to bless him—to nurture that strength and to fine-tune it, to show Israel how his strong will is a gift God gave him for a reason.  Likewise, my Anna was made by God, equally a treasure, not because her personality gives me a lot less hassle than Israel’s (ha!), but because she, too, is a uniquely made being. Her heart is what God is after, not her natural personality traits. Kind and mellow people still need God, just as much as those of us who are loud and annoying.

That’s the point of Christ coming: we all need Him.    

~ 

This is part of a series of posts on Parenting by Grace.   Previous posts are:

 FAS Teenagers, Adopting Special Needs, and Loving in the Face of Unloveliness

Learning to Walk in Grace and Humility (Angel Audience and All)

Abused Children Becoming Parents, Breaking the Cycle of Physical Abuse

Proverbs 13:24, Punishing vs. Disciplining Children, and Two Year Old Fit Throwing Meditations