Letters from Readers: What Do You Do When…? (Two-Year-Old-Tantrums)

Moot Thoughts and Musings recently wrote about mothering and grace, and had a comment addressed to me that I will answer here.  Referring to the way I sometimes handle a two-year-old fit (here) and also complimenting those conversing here, View from the Prairie Box wondered,

Molly’s posts are really encouraging and I found myself reading through the comments as though I was sitting in a group of women from my own church. I’m impressed at the gentle discussions taking place there. Every mom desires to please God with her actions–and that’s something you don’t see all the time when it comes to opinions on childrearing.

I do wonder about the two year old move tantrum. It’s wonderful that a comforting cuddle cured the fit, but I wonder what happens when the toddler rejects mama’s arms and begins to spit, scream, bite and writhe on the floor. I also like the idea of allowing a child to throw a tantrum in his bedroom in private, but what happens when he disobeys and comes out of the room to throw the tantrum?

That is where I feel okay with giving a kid a swat or two.  But first let me clarify: 

I make sure the child has a brain.  I know that sounds kind of dumb, but I swear to you, it’s really important to remember.  I don’t know how many parents I’ve heard bemoan the way they parented their special-needs kid in the early years before they realized he/she was special-needs.  (Like spanking a kid for their angry outbursts and later finding out they have Tourette’s Syndrome).  Pay attention to your parent gut.  If it says there’s something not quite right there, listen to it and not the parenting books.   

That’s not to say that special-needs kids don’t need boundaries, but it’s just to remind parents to know what they’re dealing with before assuming.  Also, age-appropriateness is HUGE.  I thought everybody “got” that, but know with stomach-sick certainty now that they don’t.  A five month old doesn’t cry in order to manipulate you.  She’s just hungry/wet/needs touched.  The last thing she needs is to be swatted, but a few freaky sick but unfortunately somewhat mainstream parenting gurus teach exactly that.  And that’s sick. 

It’s displaying a tremendous level of self-absorption, when a person assumes that a five month old brain makes the same connections that a fully mature adult brain does.   If you want robots who never cry, poop, or ask you for anything, go get one built.  If you are asking a two year old to act like a ten year old and spanking him when he doesn’t, then the problem is you, not him, so stop making him suffer for it. 

I can’t look at my two year old and assume he has the same brain I do.  He just doesn’t.  So that means I can’t assign the same level of intentions to his behaviour and then punish him for what I percieve to be adult-level rebellion and defiance.

But that doesn’t mean wacko behavior is okay.  If I ask my four year old to go to his room and be angry and sad in there (as opposed to flopping on the floor in convulsions because his Lego airplane just fell apart, while I’m in the middle of homeschooling the other kids), I’m not punishing him for being angry or sad.  Shoot, God has all of those emotions, and He’s not sinful, so apparently it’s okay to have emotions that aren’t “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.”  It’s just a matter of learning how to handle them in ways that don’t ruin everyone else’s day. 

So I give him a hug and send him thataway, nicely but firmly (as in, it’s non-optional, but no, hon, you’re not in trouble).  He goes and works through his grief with moans and hollers, coming out ten minutes later looking rather refreshed.  But let’s just be honest.  He and I both know that if he goes to his room and starts kicking holes in the wall…he’s dead meat.  And he knows that.  So he doesn’t kick the walls. 

And this is where I’m okay with spanking (which, in my definition, means a few swats).  When all else fails, it’s worth a try.  Seems like there are times when my two year old is flat-out NOT motivated by anything else, and “fear of punishment” is a valid human motivator.  That’s not proof that it’s right, just proof that it does work.  It’s only one of many motivators, though, which is a great argument against spanking-for-all-problems.  Uh, when there are a million other motivators that can help a kid walk within boundaries, why resort to the violent humiliating one?  

But sometimes all other avenues are used up.  In my opinion, a swat motivates some two-year-old minds when all else fails.  But I need to make sure I’ve done my job well first and looked circumspectly at both the circumstance, the kid’s brain development level, and all the options for guiding the child (back into our boundaries) available to me — because otherwise I’m just resorting to whapping him in order to save myself the work of being a good parent. 

I’m also 9o% sure that most of the time, there are alternatives that would work just as well.  My problem is, I hardly know of any.  But I’m learning.