Formula Over Relationship: RED FLAG #1

After the “unsafeness” of the whacko church of my young-adult-met-Jesus days (that is, my Bible College, where I learned so much and yet also learned that the leader was getting cozy with some of the female staff, but with a doctrine of authority similar to the Shepherding Movement’s, we were taught it was more important to the Lord that we not speak against “God’s annointed” than it was to confront him for sexual sin!), the safety and the promises of the Cult-of-”Biblical”-Family were oxygen to my starving lungs.  I gripped this apparent life-raft, guaranteeing myself a secure and godly future, and held on tight.  This would be my salvation.  I just knew that these people would pull me into safety. 

Unfortunately this Cult-of-”Biblical”-Family group is thriving, becoming more and more mainstream among conservative Christian families.  It can be found in groups like Vision Forum and books like “Passionate Housewives,” and “So Much More.”  I feasted on writings by Douglas Wilson, Michael Pearl, and Mary Pride—teaching tapes from Denny Keneston and Jonathan Lindvall and from websites like Ladies Against Feminism.   These groups all made bold statements about who goes where, who does what, who thinks what, who says what.  They painted thick black lines, making borders easy and clear, and slung God’s name around all over the place, making their claims wear halos and appear deeply supported by Scripture. 

I praised God and I set my eyes sternly on the road ahead.  We would be a holy people.  We would have a great marriage.  We would raise good and godly children.  We would find the one true theological camp that was without error.  We would, we would, we would, all because there were simple formulas to follow, simple clearcut paths to walk.  The road might be a narrow one, but it was God’s, so it was worth taking.  I took a deep breath and plunged in.  

Thus began my bondage to legalism, pride, and theological certainty that would become my undoing.  I am now, truly, gratefully disallusioned.  But that didn’t and doesn’t make disallusionment easy or painless.  Walking out of my tidy world of boxes has come at great cost.  But, more importantly, this time (instead of coming out only to jump into a new pit), I’ve been trying to disentangle slowly, carefully, looking closely at each insidious octupus arm I pry and cut off of my heart. 

I am human, therefore I will always be vulnerable to deception, but if and/or when I ever walk into a pit again, at least it won’t be the same one. 

 One of the biggest things I (have and) am learning is to beware the formulas for perfection.  Parenting advice, for example.  These formulas can come from the ultra-conservatives (”If your child is whining, swat him.  Soon, your children will all have happy hearts.”) and these formulas can also come from the other sides (”Your child is whining because you aren’t co-sleeping with him!”).  Both ways, a formula is promised to “fix” a person.  If you follow a, b, and c, you will get the outcome you want.        

But the fact is, people are, uh, people.  They are not Ford trucks that come out of factory assembly lines.  So how did I get off treating people as if they were inanimate objects?  How did I get off dumping the Holy Spirit for formulas?  Why was the formulaic approach so seductively appealing to me?   

I know exactly how.  Because formulas, even the demanding kind, take a LOT less work.  People, on the other hand are messy, complicated, and complex.  It’s a lot easier to shove a formula at them then actually relate, then actually hear, then actually step into their shoes.  Sheesh, it’s a lot easier to shove a formula at my own heart than it is to delve in there and slog through the murky waters with who-knows-what-God-awful creatures are swimming around in there.  I’d rather just paste a smile on my face and move on. 

Don’t ask me why I thought God approved of pasty-smiles more than He did me looking into the deep of my heart, but I really truly thought He did.  When I first began finally dealing with what was in there, instead of slapping on the “righteous cheer” (which was actually, despite it’s spiritual sounding veneer, just a coping mechanism for avoiding VALID glaring problems), I thought I was going to be struck dead. 

What a SHALLOW view of God I had.  What a WRONG view of God I had.   I mean, good grief, what kind of “God” just wants a smile instead of a heart? 

But since that was the version of God I served, it flowed down.  That’s what I wanted from all the people around me.  Don’t make me have to connect with your heart (because that would be messy, bloody, and besides: I might have to actually engage); just give me a cheerful looking smile. 

“I don’t care if being a stay home mom feels like death, friend.  What your real problem is is that you are whining and thus rebelling against God.  You just need to paste on a smile and it will all work out fine.”  “I don’t care if you are freaking out upset that your dolly’s dress just fell in the mud, kid.  What you need to do is politely ask Mommy to help you, or I’m going to swat you for that sinful whining that will cause you to go to hell.” 

“I don’t care if you are struggling with your marriage and it hurts like hell, woman.  What you should do is read this excellent book by ____, start constantly submitting and smiling at all times, and then all your problems will be solved.”  “I don’t care if you think homeschooling is hard and you hate it, mother.  You just have to ___ [fill in blank with whatever curriculum or philosophy is in vogue] and you’ll love it!”   

Anyone note the ever-constant theme?  It’s there, always, in everything they do: Formula over relationship.  It comes from hyper-conservative and hyper-liberal and all sorts of other places, but it doesn’t matter where it comes from: it’s NOT God’s Way, period.  Yet it’s aaaalways been a draw, right from the get-go, right from Eden and the first temptation of the snake.  Paul wrote Galatians for this very reason, because the Early Church, even with their apostles that had actually walked with Christ, was still completely human and therefore ever-vulnerable to being sucked into the path of least resistance. 

Formula over relationship is numblingly mind-blowingly attractive, no matter how hard the formula is to follow, because even the difficult ones STILL demand SO MUCH less of us than real heart-to-heart relating does. 

This is why Paul says in Corinthians that we can be burned at the stake or give all we have to the poor, and yet still be without the one thing God wants us to have: Love.  Love is never a formula.  Love is what living breathing things can do, and what you can do with living breathing things.  (Try showing 1 Corinthians 13 Love to a rock, if you think I’m lying). 

You can be burned for the truth, you can give all your possessions away, and yet still never walk in another’s shoes, never turn your heart towards Yahweh and bask in His smile, never ever LOVE.  All the formula requires is my will-power, my behaviour, my emotions.  Boring.  Easy.  Anyone can do that.  But what God wants is to love me.  And He wants the deep down parts of me, even my ugly slimey heart-waters, my naked thoughts, my screwed up head—all of me—turned His way and smiling at Him in love.  

He always smiles back.  And that’s all He wants.  Two plain-Jane booooring old commandments: Love God and Love Others.  So simple.  So unbelievably demanding.  It is so much easier to turn back to the Law and find soothing comfort there.  The Law gives us clear boundaries.  The Law lets us rest in the formula, lets us keep our feet clean, lets us remain detached.  

The Law is gives me that rubber bottle nipple and lets me suck my way into peaceful slumber.  I don’t have to engage.  All I have to do is follow the formula.  Good God, we make salvation itself into a formula instead of a relationship.  No wonder we can so easily get it wrong every where else.