Coming out of Fundamentalism (A Reader Writes)

I enjoy getting emails from readers sharing their thoughts on coming out of legalism and/or fundamentalism, most of which I tend to keep private (and most of which take me at least a week or more to reply to, depending on how busy I am).  This letter was really good, and the writer, who blogs regularly at Living in Canaan, gave me permission to share.  I know you will enjoy her story, particularly those of you who’ve made a similar exodus, and maybe some of you will have some helpful responses for her questions at the end.     

 Hi Molly!  I have recently discovered your blog.  I can’t even remember how I got there, probably through some older posts of Lindsey’s at Enjoy the Journey. I know you probably get a lot of email from blog readers but, just the same, I wanted to let you know how much your writing has meant to me.  You say all the things I am thinking but am afraid to say aloud.  I am coming out of a lifetime in the fundie church.  I was raised in a fundamentalist Pentecostal home.   After the birth of my first child, I dove even deeper into the ultra-conservative, patriarchal sect of the religion I was raised in.  I stopped cutting my hair, wearing jumpers etc.  You know the scoop!   What is so amazing to me now (and I have noticed this to be true of many on this path) is how could I, with a high IQ and an intense academic background, been sucked into this mess.  I hate to sound conceited but it seems that many bright, articulate, intelligent women are pulled down this path.  I wonder why that is?  I suppose the important thing is that I have now left that life behind in the physical.  In the emotional and psychological?  Well, that is a little trickier, isn’t it?   

 My husband is a lifelong Lutheran.  I pulled him into the Fundie hood with me where he was subsequently baptized 2 more times to make us worthy of various churches  First, the Pentecostals baptized him and then the Independent Baptists insisted he be baptized their way as well.  All the while, he had been baptized as an infant and was feeling a little disconcerted by the whole thing.  Fear was driving us.  We hopped from church to church and from denomination to denomination.  We felt condemned, overwhelmed, unworthy and as if we had this long lists of dos and don’ts that we couldn’t possibly keep up with.  We were scared to reveal to one another that we thought maybe something was seriously wrong with all of it.   

 We are now in the membership of a very tiny Missouri Synod Lutheran Church where we are shepherded by a lovely Pastor who is helping me deconstruct and debrief.  It is difficult and frustrating.  At every turn there is some new issue that I run into and have to overcome.  I am certainly not advocating the LCMS church.  I am also not sure that it is our final destination.  We have been parked in that spot for over 2 years.  Recently, we have gone through a teaching series on Revelation with our Pastor and the help of Dr. Bruce Metzger’s book on the subject.  When the idea of ammillenialism began to unfold in front of me I was appalled.  I am so confused on the issues there but this new viewpoint sure is appealing and reassuring and so much less scary than the fire and brimstone I have known my whole life.  I am just not sure yet as this is very much a process for me.   

 My dear Pastor speaks grace into my heart each week, reminding me that I can do nothing, absolutely nothing and that it is all Him.  How many times will I have to be told?  A million more? 

 I have found great comfort in the rhythm of the church year and the liturgy and the idea that communion means something in my spiritual life.  I have always been fascinated by Catholicism but I was taught that it was the ‘Great Whore.’ I have allowed myself to read literature from the Saints and explore that pull I have always had to Catholic spirituality.  Do I think we will end up in the Roman church eventually?  I don’t know, as there is so much with which we disagree.  However, I am trying to remember that it is the journey not the destination. I know it is cliché but it is true.  And the destination isn’t a denomination anyway!  It is eternal life with the Father.  

 The point of all of this was just to say thank you for being so raw and honest.  As a homeschool mom, most of my homeschooling comrades think I am a defector and a heathen.  I am so lonely.  We are an Air Force family which is hard to begin with but add homeschooling AND not fundamentalists on top of that and you end up with one lonely mommy.  I was also curious if you had any books and/or blogs that would be encouraging and/or informative.  What are your favorite reads?   Again, thank you! 

Canaan Herkamp

www.livingincanaan.typepad.com