Hold Your Kids to an Unkeepable Standard (Then They Will Understand “Mercy)”

Below are my comments that weren’t allowed.  I’m not sharing them because I want to get the last word in, or because I want to be right, or because I want to debate.  I am just sharing them because this kind of stuff, for lack of a better phrase, truly makes my heart grow heavy.  I’ve been visiting a few blogs like the one referenced below lately, getting, er, depressed.  

The slow and steady marketing of a law-centric “good news” is happening, or, more likely, continuing (just changing it’s look).  Where did the God go whose mercies are new every morning?  If we gave the Father of the Prodigal Son story a letter-grade based on how well He followed our slickly-marketed “Biblical Family” paradigm, He’d get an F.  That should tell you something right there.       

On the post, The Law Leads to Grace, Christian parents are told that parenting God’s way means to hold your children to an unkeepable standard.  That means we are to set a behavioural standard that is impossible to keep and punish them via spanking when they fail to keep it, in order that they will understand God’s mercy.  Long story short, I read, I commented, they responded, and further comments from me were not invited.  But, even though I make it my life policy NOT to do this, I can’t get that post out of my mind (even though thinking about it hurts).  So I will share my moderated-out comments here:  

I  agree that we may only agree on disagreeing. Thanks for your gracious tone. But I must say that the picture I see the NT presenting in regards to what the Law does, does not fit well with it being a beneficial tutor.

I’m not sure that because God used the Law, it’s supposed to be replecated in the Christian home. That would be a concept we would extrapolate from the Bible, not find clearly presented there. Because the NT says that the Law is a “ministration of condemnation,” a “ministry of death,” etc.

There is enough law written on our own hearts to let us know we aren’t perfect. Galatians makes clear that nothing but the Spirit is going to enable us to walk in love. Parental discipline is great and has it’s purpose, but it will not give our children love, joy, peace, or anything of that sort.

The Pharisees walked in holy ways and not carnal ways, meaning that their outward behaviour was righteous. But out of everyone that Jesus dealt with, they were the ones He regularly yelled out.

I guess what concerns me is the thought that righteousness can be spanked into a child, and the thought that by making the home a microcosm of the OT unkeepable Law, we will bless our kids. The NT makes it clear: the Law brought death. The Law made sin abound. The Gentiles were receptive to the Gospel WITHOUT having a Law background. So why would we want to bring in a “ministration of death” into homes that should be growing up green shoots of life? Long story short, The problem isn’t the concept of discipline being necessary, so don’t get me wrong. I’m just seeing a lot of theology here that is troubling to me.
I know this won’t be published, but wanted to share these with you. Please know that I am a mother who used to share your same feelings and practices to a great degree. I am not here to “debate” or just to be a pain in the rear. Your posts hurt to read, because I hear my self in them, and I know that you have the very best of intentions at heart. I also believe that what you are doing and teaching is truly not the best thing for children, and not supported by the *whole* of Scripture.

Our job as parents is to reflect God, the Parent. How He parents His children is not by Law. The Prodigal Son’s father, who represents God, did not parent the way you are describing. You and I as new Christians were not parented by an unkeepable standard from God.

Christ made it very clear that He did not come to condemn but to save. Paul tells us in Romans 8 that there is no condemnation in Christ. Neither should we foster condemnation in our homes. The NT tells us that the Law is the ministration of condemnation. It has no place in our parenting. We operate on a wholly different paradigm.

When I was coming out of my former parenting paradigm, I did a study on the words “law” and on the word “grace” in the NT and came away deeply deeply deeply repentant for my former parenting practices. Grieved is not a strong enough word. In my desire to shine God’s heart, I completely misunderstood it and put His name on something that He came to abolish.

I realize that we may agree to disagree. But I wanted to write you one more time, just to share my own heart with you. I’m just one mom talking to another. Please take it for whatever it’s worth.

Some links I wanted to share:
http://lutherama.blogspot.com/2007/09/rod-is-means-of-grace.html

http://lutherama.blogspot.com/2007/10/more-on-tripp-and-spanking.html

http://aholyexperience.com/2006/04/perfectionism.html
(This is written by a dear friend of mine…and my own parenting story is so sadly similar).

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/moodyfamily/disciplineconclusions.html
This is written by a mom of many who was a Lactation Consultant on an Ezzo email loop I was a part of (I tried Ezzo scheduling with my second child…though I quit after 2-3 months of failing at it). I really liked her and was shocked to find that she’d left the Ezzo camp in both scheduling and disciplinary areas! It really surprised me, as she seemed so warm and level-headed (ha–meaning, I felt level-headed people would never leave our mutual concept of the rod and law and all of that–sheesh!)….

Again, I really am all for teaching our kids to obey (which does not necessarily require spanking, interestingly enough, though I didn’t know that before), and I find that spanking is something I still use sometimes with my toddler/preschooler when other things don’t seem to get through and I really need to make a point. So I’m NOT saying that I’m anti-spanking and I’m NOT saying that we shouldn’t teach our children to obey. Not at all. Though I sure look at things differently now than I did then.

In general, I have moved out (and am moving out) of a punishment/performance mode (which took some doing—it was all I’d ever known, both in my own childhood and than as a parent!) and am LOVING life on the other side. I was so wrapped up in performance, both on my kids and on my part (though I didn’t see that, then). “Perform for your approval…perform to be righteous, etc…” How *not* the way God works with us, you know?

I can’t tell you how great it is to put that to one side and concentrate on relationship. It’s messy, it’s WAY more work, but it’s REAL. It mirrors what Jesus did when He walked with His disciples SO MUCH MORE than my previous parenting paradigm did, that’s for sure. And it’s really good.

Also applicable to this topic is this, a compilation of posts I and some fantastic guest-bloggers put together not so very long ago, mainly centering on why and how many of us came out of punitive parenting philosophies.  I thought Tripp was fabulous.  I was wrong. 

[Edit to add]: Another excellent post about child-training is right here.  For those of you “trained” by the Pearls as to what training means, you will enjoy this wise successful mom’s opinion.